Of failure, elation, and ambition

A few days too late to be as taken by the most recent trilogy of emotional states, but to catch up, and as a reminder to myself to acknowledge the effects and realize that I am not at the mercy of such things, a reflection of the last week:

Failure:
Friday's session of life coaching was not a breakthrough, but did make small steps toward motivation...my ambition is high, while my action and follow-through is low. I've always had lofty ambitions, and those of the spiritual path are no different - but the difference IS and does exist in the fact that I realized: spirituality cannot rely on ambition - ambition, I've found, kills it quickly. Wanting, desiring, needing to be better, more knowledgable of the universe, "enlightened"...it doesn't work. It sets me up for failure.
But failure of my entire path, I know, is not the outcome...
I do feel as though I failed Windwalker already though. My mundane physical material reality took over, and I failed. Mary Jo was right. When he told me to go and find that group of cedars, look up, and listen...I didn't. I have many "reasons", but in this case, I think she's right...they're not reasons this time, they're excuses. I do have "buts"...but I'm mildly scared of the dark/night/fear of "what's out there"; I don't honestly know how to identify a cedar from anything else in the dark; and #1 thing: I'm afraid of not seeing/hearing anything. I'm afraid that I'll go out there the way Windwalker said, with him being so certain that I'll see/hear it the first time...and I won't see or hear anything. And I'll have let him down. And I won't have made any progress.

Elation:
"You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion...but I swear that you've got me all wrong.
All wrong...all wrong...but you've got me. I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier. I'll be yours my dear. And I'll belong to you, if you just let me through.
This is easy as lovers go, so don't complicate it by hesitating. This is wonderful as loving goes,
this is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?"

Ok, so I'm now officially a Dashboard Confessional junkie...but this song has been ringing in my ears, and makes me do little internal butterfly backflips whenever it's stuck in my head.

But I can't get attached...I won't...it's transient and temporary and just an "enjoy it while it's there, and experience every moment for that moment" type of thing.
Which is exactly what I was looking for in higher levels of my Being, so why not let it happen at the lower levels of the material world?

Too bad emotions, despite being made-up mind-body tricks, "feel" so real.

Is it really "easy as loving goes"?. No. No it's not.

Ambition:
The Destination Development Conference yesterday was astounding. My energy is renewed, my ambition charged, and I KNOW that I am going to make a difference in this community. Networking occurred on a level that I have not seen before - the naysayers and negative-vibe people actually SHOWED UP and talked with me and the group and want to participate NOW in making a change for this community and city and merchant group and everything...
I'm so jazzed, and I'm going to play until my fingers bleed, and then play some more. Metaphorically speaking, of course, since my actual guitar skills are null and void, and despite owning an acoustic, electric, and electric bass, still have yet to get lessons and learn the damn thing.
I miss my piano.
But lessons and piano and LIFE will change soon. Change is imminent.

Too bad the country just got royally screwed over for the next four years. I voted. I did my part. If I had done more, would it have really made a difference? Who would have known that we all had to move to Ohio and register and vote there instead?
Stupid midwest crap...one would think that with the rest of that entire region going Kerry that he could have gotten just that one state that the whole world was hinged on.

I just can't wait to see what Michael Moore does next, now that he'll have four more years to make great movies that will hopefully shed light on the ignorant masses, and perhaps, just maybe, influence this bullshit government that we now have inherited for another four long years.

So...I'll focus on my community...if I can't change the world, or know that I made a difference in it's changing on a national level, then I WILL change MY world - South Whidbey Island is a start.