Coaching, continued...

"Don't you know I'm numb, man/No I can't feel a thing at all/'cause it's all smiles and business/These days/And I'm indifferent to the loss/I've faith that there's a soul somewhere/Who's leading me around/I wonder if she knows/Which way is down...
I poured my heart out/I poured my heart out/It evaporated. . .see?
Blind man on a canyon's edge/Of a panoramic scene/Or maybe I'm a kite/That's flying high and random/Dangling a string/Or slumped over in a vacant room/Head on a stranger's knee/I'm sure back home/They think I've lost my mind.
Here I stand - sad and free/I can't cry and I can't see/What I've done/God. . .what have I done?"
--Ben Folds


It's interesting how certain lyrics or individual phrases can be so in touch with your own personal Truth that they can make you cry, despite the songwriter's intent being quite otherwise, or the lyric itself being about something entirely removed from what you take away from it. But that's the power of music. I was listening to this song that I haven't heard in a long while...I vaguely recall figuring out how to play it on the piano years ago. It was nice, but it always made me cry as I sang the last few phrases... It still does make the tears well up, even if it's not a full on burst of them, just listening to it. While I know it's much more about letting go of the life of a parent - at least I believe it's about pulling the plug, or something similar, everything quoted here touches me in a different way. Not so much the "god what have I done?" part - while that does make me weak, it's more the sense of being lost and unable to acknowledge emotion, going through the motions of life while not really connected to them. In a time when I am trying my best to understand how to DETACH from all of that bullshit, it certainly is daunting to find that something as simple as a song lyric can bring me falling back down like a lead brick thrown from a satellite, hurtling toward my own inability to truly be removed from my emotion.

Without further ado, more homework posted for posterity. It saddens me that the things I truly love to do take such little part in my life...it is definitely a call to action - a solid sign that things need to change, and I am the only one to make them so. I have work to do, it appears...

THINGS I LOVE TO DO
Please list 20 things you love to do, activities that bring you a sense of joy, excitement and a sense of satisfaction. Then pick a number from 0 to 10 (10 being "all the time") that represents how much a part of your life these activities are now. Don't think about it, just put down the first number that comes to mind for each.

0.5 - Play piano
5 - Sing (but I only do it now in the car)
0 - Paint
1 - Draw
0 - Build stuff - remodel, design, build meaningful structures (i.e., houses)
0 - Bike
0- Hike
5 - Enjoy nature and the universe
1 - Travel to new places, and old
7 - Photograph
8 - Read
0 - Compose
4 - Listen to music while doing absolutely nothing else of value or responsibility
1 - Take my dog for runs at the beach
0 - Appreciate sunrises/sunsets purposefully and attentively
4 - View, take in, be absorbed by good film/movies
0 - Camp
6 - Partake in good company, good souls, good people
5 - Cook
0 - Garden
4 - Write