A Sense of Unease

A visit to friends - friends being a relative term, based on the past,which I must not dwell on - created a great sense of unease.

Driving into the city seemed at once both magical and suffocating...I stared in awe at the lights of the town, something that I don't often do anymore, since I don't often leave the island...but my body tensed with the traffic, no matter how present I was, and my lungs choked with the exhaust and general air quality around the stadium...

Alas, Ezju was not there, and I traversed through the network of congested pathways back onto the freeway, which by that time was actually relatively free...

Upon arriving, my first thought was that I should leave. I detached from my mind momentarily, and realized I was basing it solely on the past - I let go, and all was well.

...except the unease. Not at the past of my own projection, but of the intense anger and fear, at their most basic foundation, that I felt emanating from those in the room...

Ezju is a bundle of tension and unfounded anger...Antonyia having fallen into a typical role, feeling as though she is simply "supposed to" live that way. Both in ruts so deep that I fear even relaying my recent profound experiences to them would result in only scoffing and ridicule. I will attempt regardless, as I am projecting my own future again, and shouldn't give in to such tricks of the mind...however, the unease has not left me.

Ezju's story of hate and anger left me with a tension that is not my own...I felt his anger for Matthew, and took it with me on my way home. I have no relation to such things, but the feeling itself stayed with me...

My change in health, and my polite denial of offers of refined sugars (birthday cake) and bleached flours (lasagna) and milk were met with laughter and ridicule. I can only be happy now, I thought, there is no time that is not now, I thought...and yet the humiliation of mind crept in regardless...

"Friend" is a relative term. Friends because of past, when I have all but let go of past completely at the level at which it continued to deteriorate my being. Friends because of good times and bad, because of relationships and their dysfunction, and the understanding or lack thereof that came about because of it... Friends because I have something to give them, but I wonder what it is they give back. Perhaps it is simply my duty to give, and as a future healer - according to mentors and teachers - I am meant only to give an unconscious healing to them, without receipt of anything in return.

...a sense of unease is still about me, however.

...and the phone call last night certainly didn't help. criticism is never fun, especially when it comes from a selfish place.

it is in the past already.

let go.

it's gone.