am I really finding balance?

funny...
I thought the title would have some significant meaning, but in the end, it seems I'm still rather extreme in my mind-swings (which I think better describes my changes than "mood swings", since I do sense a disconnect from emotion at times - at least in the recent weeks)...

some days I feel completely connected with the world as it truly is, while detached from the material mundane world...and then there's days like today when all of my detachment and exploration of spirit and all that is Truth and Being and such just seem futile.

I know it's my mind doing it, but for whatever reason, try as I might, I can't connect with my Being today, and it's upsetting. To have such wonderful experiences as being connected with Being, to get glimpses of the wonder of the universe - like how extremely alive and green and yellow that dead patch of grass was while driving to work the other day...to get a shudder and shake and flighty feeling of going down a rollercoaster or love at first sight when just looking at a patch of dead grass...and see it for what it really is...see it not with my eyes or mind, but sense it fully with my Being, my higher Self. and then to have it disappear just as quickly.
how green and alive the grass...how red and brilliant the mundane stop sign for just that millisecond...how extraordinary the life of the horse across the road in the pasture...
and then it's gone, but still remembered, categorized, fantasized, and embroiled on my Mind, outside of my Being, emblazoned into nothing more than a clinginess and need and clamoring desire to get it back for just one second.

and today, there is simply none of that. there's a need, a desire, and nothing to fulfill it.

I feel so disconnected. Not in the detachment from the world but attachment to my Being and Universe sort of way....but in the detached from all of it sort of way. Like there's no net, and I'm falling into my mind...

Where'd my net go?